This is a really difficult post for me to write because it’s very personal and I am can be a very guarded person when it comes to my limitations. But I feel that it is necessary for me to express this experience with you… The month of February was one that was threatening to send me over the edge. Feelings that I thought I had been dealing with but were simply repressing came to the surface with an awful vengeance. If the task of eventually having to address these feelings wasn’t emotionally ominous enough, the dark, cloudy, and freezing cold February weather physically matched and I felt as though I was surrounded. I did, however, seem to be handling (the fake, temporary kind that got you through a day or two). Obviously the things that ED tells you to do and the ways ED suggests that you deal with feelings can lead you down horrible, February, paths.
I struggle with an addiction to something that I may not be ready to write about in my blog for the time being. But I had previously relapsed and gone back to this addiction after 6 months of living without it and it slowly got worse. This month I felt the presnece of an overwhelming shame, anger(fear) and hopelessness and there was nothing that I wanted more than for these feelings to go away. The thing, however, that I wanted to get rid of the most was the confusion as to where exactly these feelings were coming from. So I told myself that I just needed a little bit of help so I could get through the week and then I would stop. I don’t know whether or not I would have stopped this behavior after only a week and I will never really know for sure.
In the middle of the night on my fourth day of living a life of intense relapse I got extremely sick (sicker than I have ever been) and I put myself in a situation where I could have lost my life. I am admitting to myself that there is nothing healthy about what I do and it does not help me manage, or even get rid of, my feelings. What it does do is put my life in danger.
The night that I got really sick was one of the scariest nights of my life. I was by myself and my phone was in the other room and I couldn’t stand up to go and get it. I really did not want to die. Death has never been the goal, but simply to obtain what I so wrongfully believed is a better life. I finally …finally… realized what living in this problem looks like and how sick it makes you. Nothing about that experience is how I want to live my life. It’s exhausting trying to obtain the unobtainable. I just wish that I had been able to realize this without such an extreme experience. So if you are struggling… do not do what I did which was shut my mouth and suffer in silence. Ask for help and listen to me when I say to you that you do not want ED to take you this far down. You do not want to be surrounded by the manifestations of February. An unexpectedly cold and bleak month
There is still so much pain that comes from wanting to recover. I am going to want to relapse and use it again, and there is a sense of shame that comes from this because why would I want to continue to do something so destructive. But I have to let that go because it is part of my illness. There will be times when my mind simply does not work right, or my eyes will alter my reflection in the mirror. However, I have to trust that moments of relief that I feel from ED are nothing compared to the lifetime of relief that comes from deciding to recover.