My way of thinking for the last Six years has been “I know my eating disorder is bad and I am supposed to want to get rid of it, but I need it because without it I would look horrible.” People and doctors tell me that this is wrong and then they give me some speech about the human metabolism and then I dose off and nod my head to make it look like I’m listening. Then I imagine myself stuffing my face with donuts and walking around while tuba music plays with every step that I take. Then I have an anxiety attack and plan my meals and see what days in my schedule I could purge and not have to miss school if it doesn’t stop.
“The opposite of hate is not love. It is indifference”, Love and hate both take up a tremendous amount of energy. Indifference allows you to be free. The opposite of an ED is not self induced obesity. It is recovery and health.
Never once has someone come up to me after a really hard ED week and told me that I look fantastic. During those weeks my eyes are sunken in and they have dark circles underneath them. I am so tired that I can’t walk straight or stand up straight and my brain is so simply deprived that I can’t register anything that is going on around me. ED makes me look like a comatose zombie, not the beautiful image that I have in my mind of a long legged woman strutting down a city street in a black dress and stilletos while both men and woman alike remove their sunglasses to see me better, drop their ice cream cones, or fall down an open sewage grate due to pure, beauty induced, distraction.
So without ED I’d be fat right?… NOPE. Without ED I will have the ability to be healthy and beautiful without putting my life in danger, hurting the people around me or looking like a comatose zombie. With the knowledge of knowing when to eat and when to exercise will also come the knowledge of what to eat and when to stop eating it when your body is full. This is the first time in six years that I have actually believed any of this. I will probably not always believe this (and that is why I had to hurry up and write a post about it). Even during the times when my mind does believe all of this, it might not make a difference because I am just so used to living a certain, however unhealthy, way. But, that is the addictive nature of an ED. And that is a struggle of recover. But right now I believe.
So the next time I think about my fantasy where having this ED will make me look so hot that hot men drop their ice cream cones, I must remember that ED makes me lie in bed, too tired to get up, let alone strut down the street and show everyone how amazing I actually am.