I did have a really bad relapse last February and it was a real turning point for me. Right after it happened I knew that it would be. I told myself “things NEED to change”, and they did… for a little while. I went back to following my meal plan and I was honest with the doctors about what I did. I drank the prescribed amount of GaterAde and I took every single GIGANTIC vitamin that I was supposed to. It seemed as though I was finally getting a handle on things. To some extent, I am actually getting a handle on things and my bad experience was a turning point, but in a way that is much, much less glorified than I expected. My sudden and complete 180 degree turn in behavior was fueled by my “Turning Point High” and it wasn’t going to last forever. Now the real work begins.
To be completely honest with you, at this moment in time, I am a mess. Every emotion and event that I suppressed over the years is deciding to come out and I am left with the OVERWHELMING task of having to deal with 10 years of trauma. I am keeping everyone at arms length, including the people that I am closest with. I do not want to be hugged or touched and I even started parking on the street instead of in my driveway because I feel like my mom’s car would be way too close to mine.
In terms of my eating disorder, I am not taking any diet pills or medicine that makes you purge (that’s progress), but I am restricting pretty excessively. It’s what I have always done and I don’t know what it is like to do anything else. Not restricting is unknown territory, and literally against my brain chemistry.
I am dealing with a lot of different emotions right now, and that is a necessary part of recovery, but I am stunting the progress by restricting. With my knowledge of that must now come the change (easier said than done). My intention for writing this post is to be honest with the people who read my blog, to be held accountable for my recovery, and to share my experience with those who might be feeling the exact same way that I am.
“With my knowledge of that must now come the change.”
Recovery is a freakin’ messy process, and a lot of the time the only thing that is rewarding about it is the proposed light at the end of the tunnel. I remember when I first started getting help for my ED, people said that I needed to trust the process and have faith. I was COMPLETELY numb to those words. But now I see that if I don’t trust the process, then I would not trust that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I would not make it past this point of my recovery. I would go to Walgreens and buy anything and everything that I could to purge away my feelings and I would end up passed out on the bathroom floor again. Then again. Then again.
“Recovery is a freakin’ messy process.”
So at this moment in time, I hate recovery, I am a mess, I want to go to Walgreens, and I am tired beyond belief. I am being honest with myself and with you because I am not a liar and my blog is bull shit free. If I want to be happy and experience the beautiful things that life has for me then I have to let myself be an emotional mess right now, I have to stay far, far away from all pharmacies and I HAVE TO trust in the process and have faith.
Read this great article- About more than food