Along with an eating disorder, I also have depression, and the two often go together. I was diagnosed with depression in the seventh grade and, until now, I coped with restricting and purging. I did these things in secret, and I thought they were working. But now, I have chosen recovery. I am slowly learning to let go of the extremely physically and emotionally destructive behaviors of ED. The next step for me is to not allow myself to become painfully hungry. The sensation of being so hungry and empty has an, almost, numbing affect on me. A sensation I am hopelessly addicted to. But in the last few weeks, I have made a lot of progress in this aspect. And (coincidentally?), I am also going through a rough patch of my depression. This time I am not numb to it. I am not in any emotional danger and am only writing because I want to share with you what it is like. Either for the purpose of education, or in the case that you might relate, that it might give you a sense of being understood. There is almost something painfully beautiful about my new, “sober”, depression.
A sense of being understood…
…So now when I am experiencing the throws of depression, it feels like I have the ability to look at life and call its bluff. For example, when I look at the concept of marriage I don’t see the pretty white wedding gowns and a lifetime of happiness, I see divorce. I see two people saying that they are going to be together forever, but are blissfully unaware that they don’t have the knowledge of the future to know whether or not they will grow apart. Love is temporary and pain is inevitable. Everything is an ending, nothing a beginning.
Is love temporary. Is pain inevitable.
There comes a time when I am not sure what to believe in: the magic of life that everyone says is there or what seems to bet he depressing truth about existence. Now not only am I experiencing depression, I’m confused on what is real.
It is a fact that people with depression tend to ponder the meaning of life more than others do. They/we look for the answers to everything and everything must have an answer. But what if the answers are actually the delusions of depression. And what about the things that have no earthly answers. This makes me feel so afraid. I desperately need to know the purpose of everything and whether or not some things are just pointless. And what if I am pointless.
So when I appear sad or angry or distant I am simply lying to you. I am afraid… At least for now… because I am working on it.