Feeling Numb

When I am anxious, I listen to Jason Mraz and put on lavender lotion. When I am feeling depressed, I open the windows and read some awesome blogs. But when I am numb, there doesn’t seem to be a lot that I can do. And there is something very scary about that. For me, the sensation (or lack there of) of being numb, is the hardest part of recovery.

A defense mechanism that I have is “Checking Out.” I shut off entirely.

“Livy how was your day?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well what did you do today?”

“I don’t remember.”

I am feeling numb today. I have been feeling numb for about 2 weeks now. So today I started asking myself what it is that I am trying to block out. And then I made sure that I am not feeling numb because I am restricting (which can sometimes be a subconscious habit). After a little bit of self reflection I realized two things. 1) I am restricting again and 2) I am checking out of all of the transition in my life. I am graduating high school and moving out in three months. I am leaving the only school that I have ever attended that felt like home to me, and the only school where I was never bullied. I am about to re-enter a world (a real world) full of gossip, judgement and, dare I use the cliche word, cliques.

Will I be able to face each judgement call with civil confidence? or will I be triggered and cope by purging and restricting? Will I stay on track with my treatment, or will I become fueled by the high of hunger and decide to skip my doctors appointments, group meetings and counseling sessions. I am terrified to see what will come…. But wait, that’s good! I am feeling scared right now, and with this fear comes the absence of my numbness. This shakiness that I feel right now as I struggle to hit the right keys as I am typing, this shakiness is a gift. I am afraid for my life because I value it, because I want to keep it.

Will I be able to face each judgement call with civil confidence?

So when I am anxious I listen to Jason Mraz and put on lavender lotion. When I am depressed, I open the windows and look at some amazing blogs. And when I am numb, I will evaluate 1) are you restricting and 2) what are you trying to block out. Then I may blog about it, or journal or write a letter. But let me juts finish by saying… Lord thank you for my shaky hands.

~Liv

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Feeling Numb

  1. AMEN.

    Tough, but often the thoughts we have about the future are fearful and we can build them up to these massively awful things and then this feeling of impending doom strikes and the negative ‘what ifs’ start to real their ugly heads. I like to try and change my what ifs … what if its the best thing to happen to you leaving high school, what if it’s less judgmental in the world because you are deemed more of an adult, what if you make every drs appointment, what of you maintain recovery and laugh in the face of purging and restricting, what if you go to your groups and individual counseling and what if you make lots of new friends …?

    You are so articulate and intelligent. I love your blog.

    I hear a girl who is trying to get well. I hear a girl who has just sat down with so much awareness to understand why she is feeling numb. Your journey is unfolding day be day in more mindful and self-caring ways …. you rock!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Stay strong, beautiful. Underneath the eating disorder is great fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of others, fear of failure and above all, fear of ourselves.

    Don’t be scared of allowing your true self shine. The world is a dark and scary place indeed but it is also full of people who are not afraid to shine the light of hope and joy and love. You can do it too by permitting yourself to just be who you are.

    Be kind to yourself. Eat enough. Sleep enough. Not only do you deserve to, this world needs you to do it too. You are good enough to be nourished so don’t restrict or purge. These behaviours are “numbing” indeed and you need to feel again. Because only when you allow yourself to feel terrified, will you discover just how incredibly powerful and precious and perfect you really are.

    Liked by 1 person

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