There have been some things that I’ve needed to work on for sometime now, which is only natural after what I’ve been through recently. There are days where it’s hard to remember that I deserve more than to put my wellbeing on the back burner.
I am going to make a “Classic Livy List” of all the things that I need to focus on:
Self esteem. My self esteem is low which makes me search for approval from others all too often. It’s also the reason why I am so uncomfortable in my own skin, and then project that uncomfortableness onto other, underserving people.
Anger. I am angry at my mom for disappointing me in her words and actions. Even though this is due to the fact that she does not quite understand me, the wounds ache just as if someone were to accidentally drop something heavy and dense on your toe. I am angry at my dad for being incurably mentally ill, and then for making it all worse by dying of an aggressive cancer. I am angry at two of my brothers for abandoning me during the time of our father’s death, and for stealing what was left to me in the will, and refusing to give it back. The support and love that they would sometimes give now seems truly fake in retrospect. I am mad at myself for putting myself, in what seems to be, multiple situations in which it’s more than likely that I will get hurt. I am mad at myself for pushing people away.
Pushing people away. When people get close to me I distance myself. The exact reason remains unclear but it is probably a protective mechanism, and maybe because I think that I don’t deserve to be close (and safe) with a person. Ways that I distance myself include, but are definitely not limited to, looking for a problem in a relationship (of any kind) that doesn’t exist, mentally closing myself off to a certain person, physically avoiding a person, or purposefully pissing them off so that I can hurt them before they hurt me. 95% of the people that are on the receiving end of this are undeserving. (ok 99.9%)
Anxiety and overthinking. This also includes trying to find problems that don’t exist. But, I also over analyze situations. The over analysis is in reaction to my true fears, which are making the wrong life choice, and giving my time and heart to the wrong person. My fear of getting hurt complicates in this subcategory. Not only do harsh words and betrayal hurt me, but so does the concept of the temporary. Why do things end if they are not innately bad? Why do things, and people cycle through your life? Why is time fleeting? The fact that time is the main, if not only, factor in the temporary, means that I am afraid of time, and time is life. I can not afford to fear time.
Body Image. Even though I truly value the mind and all of its capacities, something in me attaches value to beauty. The problem with beauty is that it just might be the most subjective concept in the history of human concepts. Beauty. Such a reliable and healthy thing to cling to isn’t it? (Livy holds up a “sarcasm” sign).
To probably quote every insane person ever (examples are Charles Manson and Hitler), “Shove all of your emotions down and ignore them, and never work on improving yourself”.
In other words, Livy needs to get her shit together.