Decisions Decisions

I am not an analytical human being. I am an highly expressive human being that is sometimes ruled by her emotions. I used to get defensive about this fact (when I say “used to” I mean yesterday) but today made me feel differently about it.

I was having an anxiety attack earlier today, which is usually not a problem because I am an expert at controlling them due to the fact that I have one everyday. But today’s instance was different. I was in class and my heart started racing and it became hard to breath. But the worse part was that I could not control my urge to cry. People tend to not really  respond well to some random chick crying in a college lecture so I tensed my eye muscles as hard as I could and fixated my gaze on my notes. I told my self soothing things like “you have the strength to get through this” and “this will all be over in a minute” but absolutely nothing seemed to be working let alone calming my anxiety to any extent.

Class ended and I fast walked to my apartment. As soon I closed my apartment door behind me, I let it all loose. The tears, the hand shakes, the weird noises, the whole damn thing (my poor neighbors). Then I made a decision to text my brother, who seems to be my biggest ally right now. I told him how I could not seem to get it together today.

Now my brother tells it like it is. He will not sugar coat and he will not lie which is something I love in a person. My brother’s response to me was long but simply consisted of the idea that I need to be able to feel and be a normal human at the same time. But the one thing that truly put me at ease was when he said “Don’t worry Livy, there is no shame in feeling”.

Those words were like hearing music for the first time!!!! All my life I have been emotional and all my life people have dealt with that in various ways (some helpful some definitely not) but never has someone simply said that everything I am feeling is ok. Not only is it ok but it is even expected.

With all of this now fresh in my mind, I have some decisions to make. What needs to change in my life so that I can be emotional and still function? Here is what I have decided so far.

  • Delete all social media that has nothing to do with this blog or photography*
  • Continue to do yoga every Tuesdays and Thursdays
  • Do a guided meditation every night
  • Always have a notebook with you
  • Pick an essential oil for the day
  • Utilize helpful and trustworthy people in you life and continue to keep certain, toxic people either at arms length, or just completely out of your life.*
  • Live each moment in the present*
  • Continue with you therapy routine*
  • Have faith that what is supposed to happen will happen if you let it*

Each thing listed with an asterisk next to it deserves  to have its own blog post. And guess what I am doing right now? I have recovered from my anxiety attack and I am sitting by the fountain I told you about, writing some blog posts. And guess what else?… That damn squirrel is still there.

~Liv

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