Well if You Must Ask

“Does this bitch even still have an eating disorder? She never writes about it anymore?”

Well if you must ask … yes I still have an eating disorder. But I have been conducting a kind of experiment that all of you have been apart of without knowing. I decided to write about things that were going on in my life that were directly related to my eating disorder, but had nothing to do with my eating habits, exercise habits or physical state. I did this specifically to show everyone that an Eating Disorder lives in so many other places besides just obsessive calorie counting (even though I do do that). (HAHA I said DO DO).

So where else does it live? Well I am just so glad that you asked.

If you have an ED, it seems to live everywhere. It is the gasoline that fuels the fire of my anxiety problems. It is the sadness that makes it nearly impossible to love myself and forces me to read a self help book about self esteem. It is the tiny little voice in my head that keeps me from accepting love from others.

My father’s death was laced with feeling of wanting to be bone thin in order to express my sadness. Being kicked out of my house and the strong urge to exercise until I passout sat together in perfect harmony. An eating disorder is, and will always be one of the hardest mental illnesses to understand and that’s because an eating disorder is everything.

I hate being anorexic, so imagine seeing something that you hate in everything.

It’s time to write about my ED again. A lot of things have happened with it. Especially the fact that it has expressed itself in so many new ways over the past 6 months. And in the coming days/weeks/months, I will strive to write about my ED in a way that does not glorify the skeleton girl who is from a white, wealthy family. Because that it not always reality. I will talk about my emotions and never the number on my scale or the size I wear at H&M. I promise to be real with you.

Stay tooned.

~Liv

 

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