ED is not Normal ~ VS

It all started Freshman year of High school. New school, MUCH better
food, anxiety and sadness. I had never worried about what I ate. I
just ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and how much of it that I
wanted and never really gained any weight because of sports. Freshman
year I decided to focus on my school and not sports because I figured
I really didn’t have a future in anything that I was participating in.
I continued the same eating patterns outside of sports at first but
then the feelings self hatred and loneliness came pouring in. I began
to eat all of my feelings away and I couldn’t stop. I would go on
binges and eat just about whatever was in sight to make my feelings of
sadness disappear. This went on for about 3 months until I could not
even zip up my school skirt anymore and decided I needed to make a
lifestyle change. I was disgusted with myself and I could barely even
look at myself in the mirror. Being in a school with all girls it
influcenced the way I viewed myself, they were all pretty and “skinny”
and I was just me, ugly and disgusting. I thought “why would anyone
want this when they can have that?”. At first it started the healthy
way. I downloaded myfitnesspal and allowed myself enjoyable foods that fit into a certain calorie range or macro nutrients. I also began
exercising and decided I wanted to go vegan. The whole vegan thing
wasn’t at all an intention to lose weight, I just didnt like how
animals were treated so cruel. Turns out that my attempt at being
vegan was done the very VERY wrong way. I was basically living off
lettuce and veggies and disrgarding my other nutritional needs in
order for my body to be healthy. I lost quite a bit of weight while I
was vegan and I found that I REALLY liked it and I needed to continue
to make myself feel more confident. My mom eventually didnt allow meto continue veganism because she was concerned about my health.
Eventually freshman year ends and summer begins and I was still
continueing my healthy ways to becoming fit and strong. It all sortve
happened so fast and everything is such a blur I cant quite tell you
exactly how it started. I started OBSESSING over working out, looking
up nutrition facts, and losing weight. I gradually began cutting my
calories and increasing my workouts so I was basically burning off
everything I was eating. I was running around 6-7 miles a day and
thought it was normal. That is NOT normal. But i still denied that I
was too obsessed with the whole “fit” ordeal. Halfway through summer I went on vacation for about 2 weeks and gained a little bit of weight.
My first workout when I came home I WAS DISGUSTED. I remember breaking down crying and hating myself for what I had done. So then I cut more and exercised more. Once school began EVERYTHING is a blur. I started the school year at around 500 cals and decieded I was perfectly healthy and still needed to exercise more of my “fat” off. So i did.
Until about September came around and something finally clicked that
what I was doing to myself was not normal at all. I told my school
conseler that i needed help and she contacted my mom to get a
nutrtionist and a doctors appointment with my pediatrition. At the
doctors they told me my heart rate was the lowest I wanted it to get
at 60 and that I needed to gain some weight to become healthy. Also,
no exercise. At first I was so motivated and wanted to get better,
but unfortunately that only lasted about a week. The nutrtionist we
were trying to get into wasn’t available until February so I was
completely on my own. I didnt continue to exercise because I was
scared I was going to hurt my heart, but I kept counting and kept
restricting. About a month or two later I found myself back into my
conselers office in tears. My mom then set up and appointment
immediately with a therapist and a nutritionist. I thought this would
solve all my problems and it wasnt going to be hard at all. I thought
very wrong. My ED thoughts and actions had gotten so bad I was
basically a skeloton and I still thought I was an elephant and my
restricting had gotten to exactly 180 cals per day and if I went even
2 calories over my life was pretty much over and I thought Id proably
gain 100 pounds. The guilt of eating was unbearable. I isolated myself
from everyone and I pretty much lived in my room. ED caused me to losemyself, I was lost in my eating disorder. I was killing myself and I
knew it but at the time it was worth it. ED promised me happiness and
the world if I lost just 5 more pounds. But guess what? That happiness
never came, only more misery. Eventually I landed myself in the
hospital with a heart rate of 35 and still convinced myself I was okay
and that I didn’t have a problem. I did and ate what I needed to so I
could get out of that hell hole and go back to old ways. I didn’t care
if I died, I just wanted a life with ED, which honestly that scares
the living shit out of me.Thank God that didn’t happen. I was sent to
a treatment center that freed me from ED and saved my life. There I
found myself a happy, amazing “Life Without ED” and I wouldn’t take it back for anything. I wouldn’t take this experience back because I am a much stronger, happier person and a life without ED is a life I
definitely want.