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One vs. Two 

Perspective one: I can not be powerless to a higher power. If I want something to come into being it is all in my hands. If you love something, squeeze tight and don’t ever let go.

Perspective two: I am in the loving care of a higher power wiser than I. To allow what is supposed to happen, let go of the need for control and knowledge of the future. If you love something set it free.  Continue reading “One vs. Two “

Decisions Decisions

I am not an analytical human being. I am an highly expressive human being that is sometimes ruled by her emotions. I used to get defensive about this fact (when I say “used to” I mean yesterday) but today made me feel differently about it. Continue reading “Decisions Decisions”

What a Freakin’ Miracle

I have made it known in previous posts that I have low self esteem and have decided to work on it. While doing so I often reflect on the reasons why it is the way it is… so fragile and weak. It was never any question that part of the reason my self esteem is and has been so low is because of my father and his abusive tendencies during my childhood.  The fact that he was so abusive was something that I had a hard time processing as I have continued to heal. It was confusing because the abuse came from a place of mental illness and not from his character. As a child and young adolescent, that was nearly impossible to understand, but yet the process of trying to started when I was about 13. Continue reading “What a Freakin’ Miracle”

Thanks Squirrel

I woke up around 11 this morning. I noticed that a feeling had made a home in my psyche, but I was at a loss when trying to give it a name. I began to take in my surroundings as I lie in my extremely small and stiff Twin XL bed inside my college apartment. All the blinds were closed, but a golden glow, that told of a morning turning into an afternoon, was seeping through and creating a line pattern on my wall, and on my face. As serene as it was… it was eerie. Continue reading “Thanks Squirrel”

Y’ALL DO NOT EVEN KNOW

To be completely honest with you, I am currently reading a book about the nature of self esteem and how to improve it. And, no matter how cheesy this book can get, and no matter how tedious the exercises they have me do seem, this shit is legit. At first, I felt ashamed when people saw what I was reading, but now, I feel like I want to hold this book up in the air in the middle of a crowd and yell “Y’ALL DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW ENLIGHTENED I CURRENTLY FEEL!”  Continue reading “Y’ALL DO NOT EVEN KNOW”

Push it to the Front Burner

There have been some things that I’ve needed to work on for sometime now, which is only natural after what I’ve been through recently. There are days where it’s hard to remember that I deserve more than to put my wellbeing on the back burner.

I am going to make a “Classic Livy List” of all the things that I need to focus on:

Self esteem. My self esteem is low which makes me search for approval from others all too often. It’s also the reason why I am so uncomfortable in my own skin, and then project that uncomfortableness onto other, underserving people. Continue reading “Push it to the Front Burner”