Facebook is filled with links to articles that talk about love and relationships. Oftentimes, these articles are in the form of checklists. “If it’s real love then your relationship has these 10 things”. “If he really loves you then he will do these 15 things”. “Your relationship will fail if you say these 9 things”. Continue reading “My Message of Love”
I have not written in a long time, almost three weeks. There was a reason for that too… I really did not want too. I wanted to be in my own little eating disorder bubble during the past few weeks because of the stressful things that were happening. I finished out my senior year of high school and actually graduated with a decent grade point average, especially considering the year that I have had, I walked across the stage and received my diploma, and felt stabs a sadness as I realized I was leaving the first school that I actually loved. I chose a college major, pierced my nose, chopped all of my hair off and am preparing to move out of the house. It seemed like too much for me to handle without my usual coping skill of restricting… so I did.
Here is what my ED made me think would happen: I will just restrict a lot this week so I can get through everything that I need and in the process my stomach will get flatter in preparation for summer. Then after this week, I’ll just stop.
Here is what actually happened: I will start restricting heavily this week to calm my nerves. *7 days later*. Ok, that stressful week is over, I can stop now. But my stomach feels so empty and flat. I’ve missed that feeling…
So that week turned into me loosing complete control of my diet and I ended up with a giant, unrelenting, excruciating, stomach ulcer after 3 weeks of restricting to prove it. So if you think you might want to restrict today, be my guest! Just know that there is an inevitable loss of control coming your way, and that day is going to turn into a month. And you are going to end up with a stomach ulcer that literally keeps you up at night. A stomach ulcer that makes you scream in pain every time your stomach gets too empty, every time you eat a tiny bit too fast, every time you don’t drink enough water, every time you miss your carbohydrate snack every 45 minutes to keep the acid levels down. A stomach ulcer that makes your stomach so distended that your skin starts to hurt from stretching and the only thing that you can wear is over sized sweatpants. And this little fucker lasts 3 months. 😉
I am not telling you this so you feel sorry for me (I’m a bad ass bitch that doesn’t need your pity), I’m telling you this because your eating disorder is a liar. ED is trying to kill you, so please don’t listen to him. And if and when you slip up an listen to him, write about it, paint a picture of it, record a song… anything so that you will remember the pain of the consequence.
BTW- I am over three months free of purging !! (count every victory)
Live long and prosper (and I can only do that if I stay in recovery)
PS: one more post to come tomorrow
When I am anxious, I listen to Jason Mraz and put on lavender lotion. When I am feeling depressed, I open the windows and read some awesome blogs. But when I am numb, there doesn’t seem to be a lot that I can do. And there is something very scary about that. For me, the sensation (or lack there of) of being numb, is the hardest part of recovery.
A defense mechanism that I have is “Checking Out.” I shut off entirely.
“Livy how was your day?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well what did you do today?”
“I don’t remember.”
I am feeling numb today. I have been feeling numb for about 2 weeks now. So today I started asking myself what it is that I am trying to block out. And then I made sure that I am not feeling numb because I am restricting (which can sometimes be a subconscious habit). After a little bit of self reflection I realized two things. 1) I am restricting again and 2) I am checking out of all of the transition in my life. I am graduating high school and moving out in three months. I am leaving the only school that I have ever attended that felt like home to me, and the only school where I was never bullied. I am about to re-enter a world (a real world) full of gossip, judgement and, dare I use the cliche word, cliques.
Will I be able to face each judgement call with civil confidence? or will I be triggered and cope by purging and restricting? Will I stay on track with my treatment, or will I become fueled by the high of hunger and decide to skip my doctors appointments, group meetings and counseling sessions. I am terrified to see what will come…. But wait, that’s good! I am feeling scared right now, and with this fear comes the absence of my numbness. This shakiness that I feel right now as I struggle to hit the right keys as I am typing, this shakiness is a gift. I am afraid for my life because I value it, because I want to keep it.
Will I be able to face each judgement call with civil confidence?
So when I am anxious I listen to Jason Mraz and put on lavender lotion. When I am depressed, I open the windows and look at some amazing blogs. And when I am numb, I will evaluate 1) are you restricting and 2) what are you trying to block out. Then I may blog about it, or journal or write a letter. But let me juts finish by saying… Lord thank you for my shaky hands.
This is a really difficult post for me to write because it’s very personal and I am can be a very guarded person when it comes to my limitations. But I feel that it is necessary for me to express this experience with you… The month of February was one that was threatening to send me over the edge. Feelings that I thought I had been dealing with but were simply repressing came to the surface with an awful vengeance. If the task of eventually having to address these feelings wasn’t emotionally ominous enough, the dark, cloudy, and freezing cold February weather physically matched and I felt as though I was surrounded. Continue reading “The Honest Tale of a Bad Relapse”