Facebook is filled with links to articles that talk about love and relationships. Oftentimes, these articles are in the form of checklists. “If it’s real love then your relationship has these 10 things”. “If he really loves you then he will do these 15 things”. “Your relationship will fail if you say these 9 things”. Continue reading “My Message of Love”
August 5th is my birthday and an official start to a new year for me. I think that out of all my years on this earth, although few, I am most grateful for this one. However, I would be lying if I didn’t say … this year was a total BITCH.
I firmly believe that there is an infinite amount of beauty in pain (or in this case, Beauty in the Bitch). Back in August of 2015, I finally started treatment for my eating disorder after 5 years of suffering and thinking that I could handle it by other means. Then September came around and I came out publicly with my ED. Doing this changed my life, or rather, saved it. I was no longer walking around in what I felt like was a metaphorical over sized hoodie and dark sunglasses, or what most literally came across as a very bad case of resting bitch face. I was walking around as Liv, authentically. This concept of being so vulnerable, although positive, proved miserable in its entirety. Little control freak Liv was no longer in control of how people perceived her. A blessing, really.
So much more happened to me besides things revolving around my ED. I fell in love for the first time. Not the kind you find in teen movies or even in your average romantic comedy, but the real kind. The unconditional kind. Consequently, my heart got broken just the same. However painful this process was for me, my theory proves correct and the beauty prevailed. Me, the girl who I thought was incapable of love, too damaged or scared, is in fact very capable. Not only am I capable, but loving others in the way that I do is a strength in my character that I was previously unaware of. With my new awareness of love came a new awareness of morality. If one does not chase the magic, if one entertains concepts or practices that dull experience, then one needs to get one’s friggin priorities straight.
So it’s the start of a new year for me. A year, unlike the last, beginning in recovery. A year where my first step forward is one with a little bit more determination. Instead of a tiptoe, it’s a mild stomp. Mild, yet authentic and magical.
PhotoCredits: Olivia Broussard
I did have a really bad relapse last February and it was a real turning point for me. Right after it happened I knew that it would be. I told myself “things NEED to change”, and they did… for a little while. I went back to following my meal plan and I was honest with the doctors about what I did. I drank the prescribed amount of GaterAde and I took every single GIGANTIC vitamin that I was supposed to. It seemed as though I was finally getting a handle on things. To some extent, I am actually getting a handle on things and my bad experience was a turning point, but in a way that is much, much less glorified than I expected. My sudden and complete 180 degree turn in behavior was fueled by my “Turning Point High” and it wasn’t going to last forever. Now the real work begins.
To be completely honest with you, at this moment in time, I am a mess. Every emotion and event that I suppressed over the years is deciding to come out and I am left with the OVERWHELMING task of having to deal with 10 years of trauma. I am keeping everyone at arms length, including the people that I am closest with. I do not want to be hugged or touched and I even started parking on the street instead of in my driveway because I feel like my mom’s car would be way too close to mine.
In terms of my eating disorder, I am not taking any diet pills or medicine that makes you purge (that’s progress), but I am restricting pretty excessively. It’s what I have always done and I don’t know what it is like to do anything else. Not restricting is unknown territory, and literally against my brain chemistry.
I am dealing with a lot of different emotions right now, and that is a necessary part of recovery, but I am stunting the progress by restricting. With my knowledge of that must now come the change (easier said than done). My intention for writing this post is to be honest with the people who read my blog, to be held accountable for my recovery, and to share my experience with those who might be feeling the exact same way that I am.
“With my knowledge of that must now come the change.”
Recovery is a freakin’ messy process, and a lot of the time the only thing that is rewarding about it is the proposed light at the end of the tunnel. I remember when I first started getting help for my ED, people said that I needed to trust the process and have faith. I was COMPLETELY numb to those words. But now I see that if I don’t trust the process, then I would not trust that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I would not make it past this point of my recovery. I would go to Walgreens and buy anything and everything that I could to purge away my feelings and I would end up passed out on the bathroom floor again. Then again. Then again.
“Recovery is a freakin’ messy process.”
So at this moment in time, I hate recovery, I am a mess, I want to go to Walgreens, and I am tired beyond belief. I am being honest with myself and with you because I am not a liar and my blog is bull shit free. If I want to be happy and experience the beautiful things that life has for me then I have to let myself be an emotional mess right now, I have to stay far, far away from all pharmacies and I HAVE TO trust in the process and have faith.
Read this great article- About more than food
This is a really difficult post for me to write because it’s very personal and I am can be a very guarded person when it comes to my limitations. But I feel that it is necessary for me to express this experience with you… The month of February was one that was threatening to send me over the edge. Feelings that I thought I had been dealing with but were simply repressing came to the surface with an awful vengeance. If the task of eventually having to address these feelings wasn’t emotionally ominous enough, the dark, cloudy, and freezing cold February weather physically matched and I felt as though I was surrounded. Continue reading “The Honest Tale of a Bad Relapse”
When you have an eating disorder, you can have some pretty bad days even when you try your hardest to be positive (thanks captain obvious). And then there are times when you are having a fantastic day and then one tiny, little, eensy, teensy, micro thing happens and it seems like the whole day has been ruined. But, this happens to everyone, really. This happened to me today… Continue reading “0.5 Seconds”
You are an hilarious and creative person. you have way too many interest and you talk way to much. You are passionate about so many things and you do everything with your whole heart. You are giving and you love so deeply, but you are also kind of a bad ass and you don’t take any shit. I like to think that you are the perfect mix of April Ludgate and Leslie Knope. (If you don’t know what I am referencing, get your life together and look it up) Continue reading “Dear Liv”
If you have an eating disorder you probably have days (maybe a lot of them, maybe one every trillion years) where you have an okay day. Your appetite may be better or you may be eating when your body tells you to eat. These types of days should be celebrated, but instead they stress me the hell out. When these days come around I start to question whether or not I even have a problem. “Maybe I made this all up in my head”. “What if I gave myself this problem”. “What if all the stress that I caused my parents and my friends was based off of a giant lie”. “What if I am being treated for something that I don’t actually have”. Continue reading “Douche Bag and A Half”