Facebook is filled with links to articles that talk about love and relationships. Oftentimes, these articles are in the form of checklists. “If it’s real love then your relationship has these 10 things”. “If he really loves you then he will do these 15 things”. “Your relationship will fail if you say these 9 things”. Continue reading “My Message of Love”
I have this really strong urge to go somewhere secluded. In the mountains, maybe. Where the tree canopies and the sunsets make my shallow, habitual need for constant entertainment obsolete. I would live in a shack where the natural cross breeze would act as my air conditioning and the rays of the sun would act as my heat. If I was bored I would visit my bookshelf, full of american classics and poetry, and choose something to read for the day. Or, I would grab my camera and go for a hike. I want to be able to put my phone down and listen to whatever thoughts I’m trying to ignore every time I scroll through a news feed, or hit the play button on Netflix.
There are plenty of people who don’t quite understand this, or they see me as depressed.”Make sure you’re not isolating.” they say. “What are you trying to run away from?” they ask. Each answer is simple. Realizing that this is something that I desire is invigorating and broadens the gap between me and any depression. I am not trying to hide. I am not moving geographically in the hopes that I will be able to escape my problems. For in the silence I wish to surround myself with, I welcome all of my thoughts and worries. I’ll even save them a seat in the car or the bus that I ride in, buckle them in, make sure they’re comfortable. I might even let them choose a song or two on the radio. In the mountains I would have room for all I’m supposed to be, including any and all baggage that I carry.
I wish to go somewhere remote because, sometimes, in this world, I feel as though I am being screamed at. I am constantly trying to listen to others, trying not to offend others, and caring way to much about what others think. It seems as though I am ignoring myself. Everything is just to loud sometimes.
So maybe I am trying to run away, but it is from the things not allowing me to listen. Listen. Listening, understanding,comprehending and honoring…Honoring. But, finally, of the self and not of others. In the company of the trees and the magic dust from the moon that fills the air every night. In the company of the natural rhythm of the seasons. High on a mountain closer to heaven, the sky and of all its energy. There I wish to listen. There I wish to confront what I, and most of us, hide from on a daily basis.
One day, I promise, I will do this. And imagine the amazing blog posts that will come of it!
I have not written in a long time, almost three weeks. There was a reason for that too… I really did not want too. I wanted to be in my own little eating disorder bubble during the past few weeks because of the stressful things that were happening. I finished out my senior year of high school and actually graduated with a decent grade point average, especially considering the year that I have had, I walked across the stage and received my diploma, and felt stabs a sadness as I realized I was leaving the first school that I actually loved. I chose a college major, pierced my nose, chopped all of my hair off and am preparing to move out of the house. It seemed like too much for me to handle without my usual coping skill of restricting… so I did.
Here is what my ED made me think would happen: I will just restrict a lot this week so I can get through everything that I need and in the process my stomach will get flatter in preparation for summer. Then after this week, I’ll just stop.
Here is what actually happened: I will start restricting heavily this week to calm my nerves. *7 days later*. Ok, that stressful week is over, I can stop now. But my stomach feels so empty and flat. I’ve missed that feeling…
So that week turned into me loosing complete control of my diet and I ended up with a giant, unrelenting, excruciating, stomach ulcer after 3 weeks of restricting to prove it. So if you think you might want to restrict today, be my guest! Just know that there is an inevitable loss of control coming your way, and that day is going to turn into a month. And you are going to end up with a stomach ulcer that literally keeps you up at night. A stomach ulcer that makes you scream in pain every time your stomach gets too empty, every time you eat a tiny bit too fast, every time you don’t drink enough water, every time you miss your carbohydrate snack every 45 minutes to keep the acid levels down. A stomach ulcer that makes your stomach so distended that your skin starts to hurt from stretching and the only thing that you can wear is over sized sweatpants. And this little fucker lasts 3 months. 😉
I am not telling you this so you feel sorry for me (I’m a bad ass bitch that doesn’t need your pity), I’m telling you this because your eating disorder is a liar. ED is trying to kill you, so please don’t listen to him. And if and when you slip up an listen to him, write about it, paint a picture of it, record a song… anything so that you will remember the pain of the consequence.
BTW- I am over three months free of purging !! (count every victory)
Live long and prosper (and I can only do that if I stay in recovery)
PS: one more post to come tomorrow
When I am in a good mood, or I am feeling very inspired, I have this desire to do back flips around the room like a Olympic gold medalist, or sing a powerful song and hit every note perfectly, or paint a masterpiece! But, if I tried to do a back flip I would break my neck, if I tried to sing like I was on American Idol I would make people’s ears bleed, and if I tried to paint a masterpiece I would draw a stick person and call it a day. Within me does not lay the soul of a gymnast. Within me lay the soul of a writer. Continue reading “I Will Write”